I used to have a friend who perpetually asked for advice about everything…love, family, relationships, career choices, etc. When she needed me, I’d spend so much time talking with her and trying to boost her spirits as she questioned life’s ups and downs. And then after each of those in-person talks, she would later blow up my phone asking for more advice, or for a reiteration of that day’s discussions. “But why doesn’t he want to be with me?!” she would cry.
She was the epitome of an emotional vampire; she could suck the energy right out of a person if they allowed it. The biggest problem though…she was an “askhole.”
After all of our talks, hours and hours of advice, and all of her talks with mutual friends, and hours and hours of feedback from them, she never took our advice. Ever! Often, she did the opposite of what was suggested.
She definitely earned her secret askhole label because she kept repeating the SAME mistakes and enduring the same pain from her poor decisions. It was hard to watch her go through those painful times; it also proved quite difficult for her other friends and me because we had to repeat the same cycles of advice and reassurance, knowing she was going to go her own route regardless.
Now, I totally understand that people need to live their own lives and ultimately do what they think is best for them. Woo hoo! That makes sense. That’s awesome.
However, they shouldn’t constantly suck their friends dry of time, energy and emotions with their problems then if they are never willing to truly listen or at least consider following good advice.
People value friendships; it is safe to say that most of us are truly genuine and want to be there for our friends. Yet, there is a line that can be crossed if a friendship is taken for granted, if there is no reciprocity or if a lack of respect exists. Friendships can become toxic if individuals are not conscious of their behavior and how it affects others.
Unfortunately, askholes are everywhere, and there are even different levels of askholes. Think about the last meeting you attended. You know, the person who asked a question, but they didn’t truly listen to the answer? Yep…askhole. They just wanted to be seen and heard asking a question. They wanted to hear themselves talk because maybe it made them feel smart or better about themselves. In the meantime, the rest of the tired or “hangry” people at the meeting were staring desperately at the clock, hoping that nobody else raised their hand to spout out something arbitrary.
Some askholes can be innocent. Like the gym member who asks the coach for tips or techniques, but then totally does his own thing anyway. Or the friend who asks the server which entrée he recommends, but then orders something completely different. It’s ok…we will let them slide.
I know I have been an askhole at times. I have asked my husband if he likes my outfit, and even if he said “no,” I was still going to wear it because damn right I look good in that dress! Right?!
Ok, bad example.
Anyway, I recognize when I’m at risk of being an askhole, so I try to avoid it. Yet, it is inevitable. We are all probably guilty of it. It is the repeat offender askholes who are the most draining and irritating…
So go ahead and ask me what salad you should order from Panera, and then order the soup and sandwich instead, you askhole you. I will still be your friend.